Monday, December 07, 2009
Race with me down to city hall my love. We shall push the speed limit and all the guards of the city will miss our car because cupid has distracted them. With feet clamoring across the skids our car just made we race up the steps to city hall (OH Please God tell me they have not closed) On time indeed, Yes oh Soon we shall be true lovers! Up to the official we race as freshman during the Track and Field finals. As cold air enters a diner I get cold feet, “is this smart, my love?” I think. You see my thoughts translating themselves on my face through the lines and sinking smile. The court house gains a feeling of a…tomb. With the patience like that of someone with nineteen children my lover stands in front of me, ready to go through hades and swim in the fire of doubt with me. Somehow, in some way (God are you this direct?) I realize as my lover stands there that she’ll be there, for me always. She could tell me to hurry, to get myself together, to grow up, but she’s patience. She puts up with my snags and ugliness and all the things that make me a creature of the night. I pull myself back to earth, back to her and back to the courthouse. As a set of reeds flow in the breeze our minds sway into sync and The Beautiful monster of Progress flies once again. First we each take a step, then another, her arm suddenly gains the strength of a bargeman and a sound of pure joy (which I could hardly begin to describe how that thrills me) leaps out of her mouth. Almost like the depth of doubt ever happened we are sprinting just as before. We meet the official and words go so fast from our twenty-something mouths that he asks us to repeat ourselves. Words like lighting take us to a horrible and painful existence, WITNESS. Our Official repeats for our hasty love soaked brains, “Did you bring a witness for your marriage?”
Monday, November 30, 2009
Feeling on the blah side of life I feel the need to do the very thing that usually fulfills the necessary catharsis for the current mood. I’m glad that I realize I cannot move back, so I have two options: stay in place or move forward. It seems obvious but where I am right now I need some obvious. Here’s a question for starters – Why do I feel like an old man today? On the lonely and isolated side of the evening I sat in this recliner in the apartment, in front of the TV and thought, “Where did The Ben go who wanted to live more adventurously and did the things he enjoyed doing?” Am I over-romantisizing the college years or even something earlier than that? Placing myself under the clutches of the past and an imagined fear of the present feels very precarious. I have the most to gain from this moment on. Forget about her (for a bit) Forget about my failures (more imagined) Forget about the worries…Forget about the past.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Van Halen's "Right Now" appeared as the second song in the Pandora selection and it seemed very VERY appropriate. The conviction flashed into mind as clear as the pretentious beeping of my cell phone when someone sends a text. My psychologist mentioned the probably trite (but new to me) phrase - "You have to live in the Now. You cannot live in the yesterday or tomorrow." (paraphrase) I love it. hyper attention deficit, laziness, lust, and a generous sprinkling of Fear fight against this Now that I live and my efforts to make the most out of any scenario in my life. However, God in his Might and Sovereignty (yep, I am going to use the s-word) allows me to take each step. With all of the previous said I am ready to map out this Glorious non Grind of a day by prioritzing even the fun of this saturday. Bachelor apiphany of the day - Realizing that it didn't make the slightest difference that I would eat the chocolate cheesecake straight out of the container rather than try to look for a small plate.